.... And A Happy New Year Too

So 2015 is about to end in case you didn't know. As we enter 2016 in the United States, I embark on making some goals for myself along with reflecting on myself this past year as well. Now I am not talking about this whole "New Year, New Me" mantra shit. No, that is not how I do things. I simply reflect and see what I have learned this year. See how much I have grown this year. See what I can leave behind and bring with me in the new year. Nothing radical, only practical. This year I have learned few things about myself.

1. I have a lot on my plate and therefore don't take care of myself
2. There is no time limit or justification for grief
3. Relationships come and go
4. There is a lesson in everything 
5. Know your worth

Losing 3 of my grandparents was no easy thing for me to accept. It took me months to realize that these great figures won't be coming back for a while. Every now and again I still have to remember that they are gone, but everyday is a constant battle to begin again. I felt myself grieve and see others around me grieve for others as well. I saw people grieve for both the living and the dead. Something that was gone to them. The first anniversary dates have come and gone and I have cried and smiled. I started to open up more about my losses and what I deal with. Being a full time college student, working 2 jobs, and be a caregiver for my mother is a lot to handle. Some days I feel like I have multiple hats to wear. Some days I don't know which is which. But what I do know is that I know my worth and that God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. There is something to be learned with all that I am going through. I don't really know what it is at the moment, but I'm okay with that. I know that I am worthy of a lot of things. I would list them all, but I kind of don't have time for all of that. All you need to know is that I know my worth and you should know yours too.

All right, back to what I was saying about what to look forward to in 2016. Now that I have learned this much in 2015, I honestly cannot wait to see what I will learn in this upcoming year. The lessons that I have learned is what's helping me make my goals for the future. These are not goals to help "fix" whatever problem I have. These are goals that help me continue to be me. This is me trying. So here we go: 

Try to Communicate More

As of yesterday (no need to start on January 1st, when I can act now), I have started to communicate with others more. I started telling people about how I was feeling, how they make me feel, just all the feels. In 2015, I found it really hard to tell people how I was feeling. I was scared of how they were going to react to my feelings. But I don't have to justify to them my feelings, especially if I'm honest about it. Honesty is really important to me and I want others to be honest with me, so I gotta be honest with myself. I need to speak up to that of which is important to me and communicate with others on what I need. Relationships are a two-way street and communication is the accelerator. If one person ain't talking then you are stuck in traffic; if both of y'all are talking then it is clear roads. And when I think about it, I'm doing pretty good. I mean I've written on here quite a bit, so there is that. 

Try to Love Myself More

If you were to ask any of my friends, I ride in first class on the What If Train, heading straight over to Negativetopia. I would constantly think bad of myself and what others think of me. I would think that I wasn't good enough or worthy enough (read "I Painted My Nails Today"). But once I recognized my worth, I tried to stop going on the What If Train. I continue to try. I deserve to be happy with myself and what God has given me. I am truly blessed. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in what I think I should be doing and what I think is expected of me that I forget what I need to be doing for myself. Sometimes we need little reminders on who we are and where we have come from. Sometimes we need to remember to love ourselves first before anybody else. 

Try to Advocate More

So freshman year and the start of second, I was hitting the ground running on fighting against the patriarchy and for the cure MS. Two of my biggest passions in life. Protests and reading up on various works. Well after life slapped me in the face so hard I realized that I need to take a step back and just focus on other things. So now that I have done some recuperating and reflection on my life, I am ready to get back in it. Reading feminist theoretical texts and watching documentaries, and maybe doing some writings myself. My adviser and mentor once told me that I needed to decide whether I want to be the feminist that is in the open where all the protests are, or let my work do the protesting for me. I am leaning more to letting my work do the protesting, although I will also stand beside my peers as we try to get our voices heard. All I can do is try to advocate more towards the cure for MS and feminism. 

Try to Lose More Weight

Diabetes and heart disease and a whole bunch of other shit runs in my family, so I gotta keep the extra pounds off. But at the same time chocolate cake and Coke Products a fucking delicious. It's a process. 

Anywho, These are my goals that I have this year to come. My way of reflecting on myself and seeing ways to change. This is not a matter of fixing a problem that I have. I am perfect just the way I am. This is me making goals for me. This is me trying goals. I may not succeed at first with some of them, but I can always try again. 

Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal...

Merry Christmas Everybody!!

So I am going to keep this post short and sweet.

Happy Holidays to all my friends and the people who are reading this blog! This holiday season has been rough one. It's the first one where I'm spending time with my family without my grandparents. Although things are a tad bit somber, we have made the best of the situation. I came home to a Christmas tree and presents and Christmas decorations. With an abundance of hugs and a lot of Netflix binge watching, I felt right at home. I didn't feel like I was in the Christmas Spirit though until this morning when Santa's Coming to Town came on ABC Family. I will probably watch Home Alone later on (hence the title). The fact that there is no snow on the ground and has only been raining, probably is what killed the spirit. But this morning that changed. I believe I said to myself, "Oh Shit, that's right, it is Christmas. Like today is Christmas!" Ya that sounds about right.

Anywho, the fact that I don't feel the Christmas Spirit until today is kinda not the point. What is the point you ask? Well it's the fact there are a lot of people out there, even some of my friends, who hate the holiday season because their family won't accept them. There are tons of LGBTQIA+ youth and people who are having a hard time this holiday season because they don't feel safe or at home with their family due to their sexual orientation or gender fluidity. Which is sad to think that this is happening, but at the same time I'm not even surprised.

So this post is dedicated to all of the LGBTQIA+ peeps out there, both friends and followers of The Pearlz Of Life. I want all of you to know that you are loved by me and I accept you just the way you are. I am sending y'all positive vibes and hope this holiday season brightens up for you. And if they don't, just know that I believe in you, and I am here for you with a listening ear. Society is the real filthy animal, not you.

Keep It Classy my friends

xoxo,

Jade

I Painted My Nails Today

Damn. I really suck at this whole blogging thing. Like I should really be writing in this more and I know that it exists, it's not like I forgot about my blog, I just didn't take care of it. Not only did I not take care of my blog, but I wasn't taking care of myself. Until a month ago ago.

For all of September and the majority of this month, I have been feeling like complete shit. Every day I would wake up, get dressed, and go to class. I would be in class, looking at my classmates and feel incredibly small and not good enough. I would write my papers and realize there weren't at the level or expectations of the college or of mine (thank you perfectionism). That my friends, was the beginning of my downward spiral. Once I started feeling like I wasn't good enough academically, I was feeling like I wasn't good enough for anybody. I thought that I was being a horrible friend to all my friends and I had this HUGE sense of feeling like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. I tried talking to my friends about it and they would try to make me feel better, but it didn't work, I still felt like shit. Then, I really knew I hit rock bottom when I started not feeling good enough for myself. I just felt like I was all alone. I finally understood what that girl from Mean Girls felt like. My "I just have a lot of feelings" was constant and had me on the verge of tears.

Everyday was a struggle to not think I wasn't good enough.

Then during my Block Break at Colorado College, I did something I hadn't done in a long ass time. I painted my nails. Red to be exact. Then a dark denim blue.

After I painted my nails, I started writing in my journal, practically everyday. Pouring out my soul onto the pages. I mean pages on pages on pages of just straight up feelings.

I finally completed my break by listening to music that I listened to when I was in middle school or when I was in the car with my mom. I listened to Alicia Keys, Paramore, Christina Aguilera, Janelle Monae, and India.Arie. Now India.Arie is a queen and woman who has touch my soul more times than I. If you have not listened to her work, I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT YOU DO RIGHT NOW. Oh but you want to keep reading? No worries her video is attached to this post. Her song (and my favorite song) "Video" reminded me that I do not need to be a perfect cutout of what is expected of me in society. God made me just the way he wanted me to be made. I am perfect in my own way and I am good enough for myself.

I don't have to be good enough for NOBODY ELSE BUT MYSELF.

I believe that we need to learn that little tidbit in order to take care of ourselves. We need to be able to do things that we enjoy and makes feel relax. Painting nails, writing in your journal, and listening to music is only have of it. The real struggle is remembering your worth.

This shit is not easy. There are good days and bad days. I know that. But it is good to remember the little things.

I know that I am not perfect and that I have my flaws. I am not a size 2, and I don't always look on point. My writing skills aren't top notch either.

BUT, I do have a great personality with communication skills and thinking creative. Most importantly I am healthy and alive, which I am forever grateful for.

My journey for self love is bumpy, but it is not permanent. All I can do is try to do better. Like trying to post to this more often. 

Three Beginning and End

Wrote this for class to show repetition and to copy similar writing style of Nina Bouraoui. Enjoy

Everything happens in threes. Everything begins and ends. Everything changes. I should have known after the first phone call that my life was going to change forever. I remember that day like it was three hours ago. It was Halloween of 2014 and I had loads of laundry to do. The day was sunny with very few clouds littering the sky. My father called me three times and I should have known the darkness coming. I should have known the change that was about to occur. The phone call lasted 10 minutes and consisted of disbelief and sorrow. My grandmother had found him early that morning. He hung himself in the basement with no note. No one knows why. Although the sun was shining, everything around me changed. I should have known that after my grandfather’s taking that more would come. But I didn't see it coming when my other grandfather left for a new paradise two weeks later. 2 down 1 to go, who will it be. I thought everything was in the clear until I got back. Movies with the best friend and three missed phone calls. One from my mom, two from my brother overseas. I should have known, but it was pure denial. My grandma decided that she would much rather go to heaven than enter 2015. My life is changing. It is beginning and ending. Everything happens in threes and I am still in denial. Everything changes and I grieve for three. Now I know and must begin again. 

20, Studious, and Grieving

I am 20 years old, a full time student, and have been grieving for 2 months and counting. That is 73 days of feeling at a complete loss. I have been wanting to write this post for quite some time, but never knew what to say, how to say it, or even decipher what I was feeling. And as I am typing, I still can't figure out what or how I am feeling, but I do want to share this with you.

This past Halloween of 2014, as I was getting ready to do my laundry and get ready for the weekend festivities, I got a phone call. The phone call with my father started like any other conversation we had had in the past with some small talk, but this was different. In the 10 minute conversation I had with my dad, I was told that my grandfather had died. He was one of the greatest men I know to influence my life. He always told me to stay grounded and to remember my roots. He loved watching Western movies and was always helping anyone in need. Some of my best memories with my Grandpa James, was when I was younger and we would eat Planters Peanuts and watch TV. He would always give the best hugs that give off the sense of warmth and safety. He used to be a smoker too, but after doing D.A.R.E. at my school I told him that I wanted him to be there for all of the important events in my life like my graduations and wedding. He stopped soon after and never picked up a cigarette since (at least not that I know of). We hardly saw each other, but we were close.

My Grandpa John was the next to leave, exactly 2 weeks after my Grandpa James. My mom had called me the day before, telling me that I should take a Mental Health Day for the next day because I need to grieve. It is almost as if she knew, because on that Friday morning he was gone. Just like that, I lost my Reading Partner In Crime. We had a lot of fun times together, from driving up to his ranch in Montana to watching CNN Morning News and Sports games with him. He was a true cowboy and a lover of intelligence. He helped me decide to double major and take as many opportunities that my school offered. He was always my biggest supporter when it came to enhancing my knowledge.

The recent loss that I had was my Grandma, who made sure to not skip a single holiday for her grandchildren. Some people thought she was crazy, but she did her own thing. She made sure that everyone knew that she loved them and that she was there for them. She was a very religious and had enough faith for the family, but that is what we loved about her. When she died on December 30th, my mind kept reviewing the birthday parties, Disneyland trips and the phone calls. All of it just stops and it is not coming back. They are all just gone. It is still crazy to think that these are all just memories and that the opportunities to make more of them are gone, just like they are. The worst part is that I didn't get to say my goodbyes with them and I can't believe that they are gone forever. I guess that is the thing about grieving, it takes awhile before you can accept. And during that time you are coping the best way you know how. From keeping busy and pretending that things are okay, to laying in bed in your pj's with no urge to do anything else. I can tell you that I have cried so much, yet so little. I have told people that I am fine, because I don't want to tell them the truth. The truth about how I lost 3 grandparents in a span of 2 months and I have been grieving since.

The only good part of all of this, is that I am not alone in all of this. My whole family is grieving, and my friends are grieving their losses. We are all grieving in some way and there are days where we feel like we can't go on. But as my brother says "It is what it is, but the sky is still blue and the water is still wet. All we can do is make the best of it." So that is what I am doing. I am a 20 year old, full time student that has been grieving for quite some time, who is going to make the best of it.