I am 20 years old, a full time student, and have been grieving for 2 months and counting. That is 73 days of feeling at a complete loss. I have been wanting to write this post for quite some time, but never knew what to say, how to say it, or even decipher what I was feeling. And as I am typing, I still can't figure out what or how I am feeling, but I do want to share this with you.
This past Halloween of 2014, as I was getting ready to do my laundry and get ready for the weekend festivities, I got a phone call. The phone call with my father started like any other conversation we had had in the past with some small talk, but this was different. In the 10 minute conversation I had with my dad, I was told that my grandfather had died. He was one of the greatest men I know to influence my life. He always told me to stay grounded and to remember my roots. He loved watching Western movies and was always helping anyone in need. Some of my best memories with my Grandpa James, was when I was younger and we would eat Planters Peanuts and watch TV. He would always give the best hugs that give off the sense of warmth and safety. He used to be a smoker too, but after doing D.A.R.E. at my school I told him that I wanted him to be there for all of the important events in my life like my graduations and wedding. He stopped soon after and never picked up a cigarette since (at least not that I know of). We hardly saw each other, but we were close.
My Grandpa John was the next to leave, exactly 2 weeks after my Grandpa James. My mom had called me the day before, telling me that I should take a Mental Health Day for the next day because I need to grieve. It is almost as if she knew, because on that Friday morning he was gone. Just like that, I lost my Reading Partner In Crime. We had a lot of fun times together, from driving up to his ranch in Montana to watching CNN Morning News and Sports games with him. He was a true cowboy and a lover of intelligence. He helped me decide to double major and take as many opportunities that my school offered. He was always my biggest supporter when it came to enhancing my knowledge.
The recent loss that I had was my Grandma, who made sure to not skip a single holiday for her grandchildren. Some people thought she was crazy, but she did her own thing. She made sure that everyone knew that she loved them and that she was there for them. She was a very religious and had enough faith for the family, but that is what we loved about her. When she died on December 30th, my mind kept reviewing the birthday parties, Disneyland trips and the phone calls. All of it just stops and it is not coming back. They are all just gone. It is still crazy to think that these are all just memories and that the opportunities to make more of them are gone, just like they are. The worst part is that I didn't get to say my goodbyes with them and I can't believe that they are gone forever. I guess that is the thing about grieving, it takes awhile before you can accept. And during that time you are coping the best way you know how. From keeping busy and pretending that things are okay, to laying in bed in your pj's with no urge to do anything else. I can tell you that I have cried so much, yet so little. I have told people that I am fine, because I don't want to tell them the truth. The truth about how I lost 3 grandparents in a span of 2 months and I have been grieving since.
The only good part of all of this, is that I am not alone in all of this. My whole family is grieving, and my friends are grieving their losses. We are all grieving in some way and there are days where we feel like we can't go on. But as my brother says "It is what it is, but the sky is still blue and the water is still wet. All we can do is make the best of it." So that is what I am doing. I am a 20 year old, full time student that has been grieving for quite some time, who is going to make the best of it.
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