For all of September and the majority of this month, I have been feeling like complete shit. Every day I would wake up, get dressed, and go to class. I would be in class, looking at my classmates and feel incredibly small and not good enough. I would write my papers and realize there weren't at the level or expectations of the college or of mine (thank you perfectionism). That my friends, was the beginning of my downward spiral. Once I started feeling like I wasn't good enough academically, I was feeling like I wasn't good enough for anybody. I thought that I was being a horrible friend to all my friends and I had this HUGE sense of feeling like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. I tried talking to my friends about it and they would try to make me feel better, but it didn't work, I still felt like shit. Then, I really knew I hit rock bottom when I started not feeling good enough for myself. I just felt like I was all alone. I finally understood what that girl from Mean Girls felt like. My "I just have a lot of feelings" was constant and had me on the verge of tears.
Everyday was a struggle to not think I wasn't good enough.
Then during my Block Break at Colorado College, I did something I hadn't done in a long ass time. I painted my nails. Red to be exact. Then a dark denim blue.
After I painted my nails, I started writing in my journal, practically everyday. Pouring out my soul onto the pages. I mean pages on pages on pages of just straight up feelings.
I finally completed my break by listening to music that I listened to when I was in middle school or when I was in the car with my mom. I listened to Alicia Keys, Paramore, Christina Aguilera, Janelle Monae, and India.Arie. Now India.Arie is a queen and woman who has touch my soul more times than I. If you have not listened to her work, I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT YOU DO RIGHT NOW. Oh but you want to keep reading? No worries her video is attached to this post. Her song (and my favorite song) "Video" reminded me that I do not need to be a perfect cutout of what is expected of me in society. God made me just the way he wanted me to be made. I am perfect in my own way and I am good enough for myself.
I don't have to be good enough for NOBODY ELSE BUT MYSELF.
I believe that we need to learn that little tidbit in order to take care of ourselves. We need to be able to do things that we enjoy and makes feel relax. Painting nails, writing in your journal, and listening to music is only have of it. The real struggle is remembering your worth.
This shit is not easy. There are good days and bad days. I know that. But it is good to remember the little things.
I know that I am not perfect and that I have my flaws. I am not a size 2, and I don't always look on point. My writing skills aren't top notch either.
BUT, I do have a great personality with communication skills and thinking creative. Most importantly I am healthy and alive, which I am forever grateful for.
My journey for self love is bumpy, but it is not permanent. All I can do is try to do better. Like trying to post to this more often.
Everyday was a struggle to not think I wasn't good enough.
Then during my Block Break at Colorado College, I did something I hadn't done in a long ass time. I painted my nails. Red to be exact. Then a dark denim blue.
After I painted my nails, I started writing in my journal, practically everyday. Pouring out my soul onto the pages. I mean pages on pages on pages of just straight up feelings.
I finally completed my break by listening to music that I listened to when I was in middle school or when I was in the car with my mom. I listened to Alicia Keys, Paramore, Christina Aguilera, Janelle Monae, and India.Arie. Now India.Arie is a queen and woman who has touch my soul more times than I. If you have not listened to her work, I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT YOU DO RIGHT NOW. Oh but you want to keep reading? No worries her video is attached to this post. Her song (and my favorite song) "Video" reminded me that I do not need to be a perfect cutout of what is expected of me in society. God made me just the way he wanted me to be made. I am perfect in my own way and I am good enough for myself.
I don't have to be good enough for NOBODY ELSE BUT MYSELF.
I believe that we need to learn that little tidbit in order to take care of ourselves. We need to be able to do things that we enjoy and makes feel relax. Painting nails, writing in your journal, and listening to music is only have of it. The real struggle is remembering your worth.
This shit is not easy. There are good days and bad days. I know that. But it is good to remember the little things.
I know that I am not perfect and that I have my flaws. I am not a size 2, and I don't always look on point. My writing skills aren't top notch either.
BUT, I do have a great personality with communication skills and thinking creative. Most importantly I am healthy and alive, which I am forever grateful for.
My journey for self love is bumpy, but it is not permanent. All I can do is try to do better. Like trying to post to this more often.
No comments:
Post a Comment