Reclaiming My Time

Hey guys! Long time right? Well shit has been getting crazy and life is just playing dodgeball with lemons. What is this Queen gonna do??

Anyway so for the past year I worked at a call center in order to pay for the bills and try to enjoy life. Now this job was at first a blessing and helped pay for a lot of things, but then slowly sucked me dry. Have you ever worked at a call center? No, well it's basically doing crisis management all day and being the customers therapist, while still being call and happy and making sure you crushing every part of your stats. It's like you are a beginner clown trying to juggle like 10 balls and you only know how to juggle 5. A Shit Show.

So I have been working there and trying to maintain healthy relationships and focus on myself. Well as time went on, I realized (Thanks to my therapist) that I have a nasty habit of putting my mental health dead fucking last. Like I will try to give my all for work and my friends and potential relationships, and then totally forget that I need to give to myself too. And when you work at a call center like I do, your mental health gets drained on the daily. Imagine a cup filled with water that's all yours, and then someone grabs and drinks it before you can get a taste. Then when your cup is empty they ask you to give more. You can't pour from an empty cup. So I decided to make a little change.

I started to find time for myself every day where I put myself first. In the words of Auntie Maxine, I "Reclaimed My Time." and for the relationships and friendships in my life, it was working really well. I felt heard and relaxed and free. My cup was being replenished But when I was at work, I can't simply tell the customer to back the fuck off because I high key need my job. But the more I worked, the more I realized that my cup was being emptied and dried out. I felt like my cup was being left out in the desert. The more drained I felt, the more my depression and anxiety heightened and going crazy. That's when the panic attacks started.

My panic attacks are in the form of nausea, vomiting, freezing, shaking, over-analyzing, and generally just a grand fucked up time. So when they started happening, I knew that it was time for a big change.

Which brings us here. I am writing to you while drinking my tea and on Medical Leave.

Being on Medical Leave is probably one of the best decisions that I could have made in 2018 yet. I was worried at first because I know that mental health isn't viewed seriously and when you tell someone that you are having panic attacks and that  you also have PTSD, depression, and anxiety, they usually give you this look of perplexity and dash of compassion (you know the look). Then you have the inner critic as well telling you that you ain't shit and that you are failure. And then you have that one person (for me it was my therapist) who tells you and reminds you that your feelings are valid and that you need to replenish yourself.  And for me, that's all I needed to stop the critics and avoid the stairs and actually Reclaim My Time.

Being a Black woman living in America comes with a lot. We are expected to provide for everyone and be everyone's shoulder to cry on. We are expected to be strong and bear the burden. We are expected to push our feelings and emotions to side in order to fight the man, be there for the family, and stay strong against all odds. Well, that bullshit stops today. I can still be the strong independent Black woman who cares for everyone else, but still puts herself first. I have mentors from college and Black political figures to show me that. We can do it all but we can't do it all if we don't put your mental health first.

So what's the next step? I don't know. I'm literally taking everything one day if not hour at a time. And that's okay. 

An Open Letter to My First Second Family

Dear First Second Family,


Thank you for being there always. Thank you for helping out my family when we needed it the most. Thank you for being there for me when I felt lost and alone and hopeless. Thank you for helping me understand what I want my family to be like one day. I want my family to be loving and close and have all of the quirky traditions. The matching pajamas on Thanksgiving and Christmas, the bustle for Black Friday, and the constant feel of togetherness. This is not to say that my real and first family did not or do not do this. Because my family does all of this as well. I guess it is that when I was a part of your family, I felt like I was at home. A home away from home. I always felt like we would never drift apart and act as if we didn't know each other, but I guess I was wrong.

I understand that life happens and we all get busy, I just never though that I would lose you guys so fast. I never imagined a day when the invitations would stop and the likes and comments would be few and far between. But yet, here we are as I watch your lives unfold on social media. I am so happy for all of your successes and at the same time my heart aches at what used to be and how life was. But at the same time I understand that that was then. Things change and that is okay.

We are now more like acquaintances or distant distant cousins that you never see but know they exist. It's like that Gotye song, "Somebody I Used to Know," is our current theme song. In some ways I feel like you kicked my family to the curb and used us for your own personal agenda, if anything we did too. We used each other and learned from each other. Our families got what we needed from each other at the time when we needed it most, whatever that may be. I know for me, I enjoyed your company and having that extended family. Some might think that I should be mad or numb about the situation, but to be perfectly honest I feel at ease now and I am still learing

You guys were my second family as I grew up and matured, and helped me see life from a different point of view. Causing my heart to feel love deeper than it already does.

We may not talk now and as far to why we can chalk up to numerous reasons, but they all don't matter in the end. I keep treating our relationship as if it is still a two way street, when in fact the other side of the road is closed with no expectancy to reopen. And I guess that is okay. I have to respect that and learn to cope with that.

I guess for now I will have to close this door and move on with my life. Maybe one day you will knock and we can drink Dr. Pepper and Diet Cokes about the whole thing. Or maybe you won't.

Thank you again to my first second family. You have taught me so much and have helped me realize just how much our families are similar.


With all the love and peace,

Jade

I'm Back and I'm Still Doing Me

What is up everyone! How is everyone doing:?! It has been a minute since we have last talked, but hey, I have been living life.

I started my senior year at Colorado College and graduated this May. So here is a quick-but-also-not-quick update:

Published and Supported

In between August and May a lot of things happened. For starters, I wrote an an article for The Feminist Wire about body privilege and masculinity on college campuses (specifically, Colorado College). And did I get feedback! Trolls came out of the woodwork to attack me and my article for a solid few weeks. And this lovely blog got attacked as well. I then was able to do a followup interview with Shape Magazine. More trolls came but I also got OVERWHELMING SUPPORT from my peers and mentors and people across the country who were glad that I said something. And to be perfectly honest, I would do it all over again.

Filling Up an Empty Cup

I spent October-December working on self-care. I am a huge advocate of self-care and filling up my cup. My whole life I have been taking care of others and after the whole article and my 15 minutes of fame, I realized that it was time that I took care of me. Like really took care of me. I wrote in my journal, talked to my therapist a lot, and tried to do some reading (it's hard doing leisure reading on the Block Plan). I also took a drawing class and that helped a lot. I opened some closet doors and got to know myself a little more. And it was wondrous.

Black Girl Magic at Work

January-April I WROTE MY THESIS AND SUBMITTED AND GOT AN A ON IT. I also practiced some self-care because writing short stories about Black women that is critiqued in majority white spaces, was draining but they got that Black Girl Magic. Still debating whether I should publish it, so we shall see.

2 Bachelor Degrees Under My Belt

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE AND WAS ABLE TO CELEBRATE WITH MY FAMILY. That is all.

Moving Forward

So, it has been about a year since I have last posted on here. As I transition out of college and into the work field, I still plan on using this. I will post about personal stuff like dating life and some of my struggles, but I will also be posting about the successes and learned lessons. At the end of the day this is my space. Another outlet. I appreciate all my readers and followers and I hope you continue to follow me with this journey. Talk to you soon!

Summer Lovin'

Hey There!!

I promise I didn't forget about this blog, I just didn't know what to write about for a while, until today. If you think this post is about my love life, you are quite wrong (although I may start a new blog about it, give me your thoughts about it). This post is all about being positive with my body and self-love. I know that it is a vulnerable subject to talk about but it is important to me and I figure it can help someone else out there.

So at the beginning of the summer, I was feeling kind of crappy about myself. I was starting my job, and couldn't help but feel like I wasn't like the other staff members. I mean I know that I am not like them, I mean I'm a Black girl who was raised in Salt Lake City, Utah and Maryland and go to Colorado College; I'm fucking unique. And although I can recognize my uniqueness, I can also recognize that I am not the most physically fit person unlike the rest of the staff.

I used to make this joke that my brother got the athletic gene, and I got the smart gene. While my brother did Taekwondo and basketball, I read books and wrote stories. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to do basketball and volleyball and go on hikes, but nothing stuck. I didn't find it as enjoyable as reading a book or doing homework (yes, I am one of those kids and no I wasn't adopted). I have always struggled with my weight and still do. My thick thighs, pudgy stomach, and love for food has always been a part of my life. And usually I don't care about what others think of my appearance, but at the same time I can't help but notice the stares. I usually can get over it, but this summer I couldn't shake it.

As I started working, I was feeling pretty confident with what I brought to the table. I have an outgoing personality, a great work ethic, I'm both a team player and also can work independently, and on top of that I love meeting new people (you can hire me at any moment). But as much as I am aware of what I bring to the table, I am also aware of what I don't have on the table. I low key despise heavy physical activity and running. I don't mind going on for walks, but anything strenuous, I will either protest or do it with extreme hesitation. I just could imagine myself as this fat person attempting to run or do some sport and ending up looking dumb. It sounds stupid I know, but it is what I think when I even attempt to exercise in public. And I know that a lot of pressures in order for me to be "skinnier" and being unrealistically fit has to do with societal pressures and expectations. And even though I am aware of it, it still took a toll on my confidence and self-esteem. I wasn't fully loving myself. So I began to tackle my confidence and self-esteem issues head on.

I started picking out what I didn't like about myself and why. I'm not a huge fan of my thighs because I don't have a thigh gap and they sorta jiggle. Then I laughed when I realized I was mad that my thighs were touching each other. I'm also not a huge fan of my stomach. I don't like having this extra body fat just chilling and expertly hiding my six pack. I also don't like that I am not the most athletic or outdoorsy person out there, which is kind of funny since I go to school in Colorado and was raised in Utah, but hey shit happens. I do know that just because I am not a lover of the outdoors or physical activity, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I can definitely change that and learn to get into that. And I did.

After identifying all of that, I wanted to give myself a mantra or self-affirmation that I could say as I get ready for the day. I wanted it to focus on my self-esteem and confidence. And for the most part it worked. I was starting to feel pretty good about myself, but I still wasn't about exercising. I mean I went to the gym and I would sometimes go for walks, but nothing serious. So when my friends texted me letting me know that I was invited to go on the incline with them on Saturday, I was like "fuck it what's the worst that can happen? I can do it!"

After a very fun night at a karaoke bar, I got some rest and woke up at the crack of dawn and got ready for the climb. I felt like shit, but I did it anyway. I put on my "Don't Worry Be Yonce" tank, packed up my Camelbak and set out for the day. We made it to Manitou and the shuttle perfectly fine. I complain as I walked up the hill that led to the base of the incline. We took a selfie and started walking. My friend Ellie was awesome enough to give me a goal for when I could take a break. And at first it went great, but I still wasn't too great. Finally I had to stop. I hadn't even gotten to the false top/peak (yes, that is a thing). I didn't want to stop, but I felt sick and that I couldn't do it. I felt ashamed for quitting on my friends and on this stupid mountain. After a brief consultation, I made the decision to just turn around and wait for them. Once I got back down, I called my mom and cried. I cried because I couldn't climb up a mountain. Because I didn't feel well and I had to listen to my body. I cried because I didn't think I was good enough and that my body wasn't good enough. That Saturday, I felt more hate for myself than I had in a long time. After calling my mom and crying in her ear, I called my dad and whimpered. They both told me the same thing. That it was okay and that I can try again. That this should motivate me. I know that they were right, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. So I sat and sulked as I watched everyone else complete the climb that I didn't do. After awhile I tried to go up a different trail, where I can meet them, but I didn't feel good so I turned around and waited like 5 minutes before they came on down. We walked back down to the shuttle and then drove to the springs. I was quiet the whole time. I was happy for my friends that they made it and that I could see them at the finish line, but I still was mad at myself. All I could tell myself is that "at least I tried" and that I can do it again. Although it wouldn't be the same because my friends would have already done it, I could still try again. I didn't believe this until this morning.

This morning, I woke up feeling okay. I woke up realizing that I am not perfect and that I am a work in progress. I woke up wanting to climb that fucking mountain again. But most importantly, I woke up extremely proud of myself. I accomplished several things:

• I woke up at 5:30am and got ready, despite feeling sick and without coffee or tea
• I decided to go despite not feeling well
• I made it up the hill to the base
• I made it a quarter of the way
• I listened to my body and my emotions
• I didn't just leave because I couldn't go up the incline
• I still had some fun

My summer love has nothing to do with a boy, although there have been a few. My summer love is with myself. I am continuously learning to love myself and everyday is a struggle. I am slowly but surely realizing that I can take baby steps when it comes to exercise as long as I am moving. My summer love is about accepting myself for who I am and continuing to remind myself that I am always worthy because I am a human being and I am of existence. 

.... And A Happy New Year Too

So 2015 is about to end in case you didn't know. As we enter 2016 in the United States, I embark on making some goals for myself along with reflecting on myself this past year as well. Now I am not talking about this whole "New Year, New Me" mantra shit. No, that is not how I do things. I simply reflect and see what I have learned this year. See how much I have grown this year. See what I can leave behind and bring with me in the new year. Nothing radical, only practical. This year I have learned few things about myself.

1. I have a lot on my plate and therefore don't take care of myself
2. There is no time limit or justification for grief
3. Relationships come and go
4. There is a lesson in everything 
5. Know your worth

Losing 3 of my grandparents was no easy thing for me to accept. It took me months to realize that these great figures won't be coming back for a while. Every now and again I still have to remember that they are gone, but everyday is a constant battle to begin again. I felt myself grieve and see others around me grieve for others as well. I saw people grieve for both the living and the dead. Something that was gone to them. The first anniversary dates have come and gone and I have cried and smiled. I started to open up more about my losses and what I deal with. Being a full time college student, working 2 jobs, and be a caregiver for my mother is a lot to handle. Some days I feel like I have multiple hats to wear. Some days I don't know which is which. But what I do know is that I know my worth and that God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle. There is something to be learned with all that I am going through. I don't really know what it is at the moment, but I'm okay with that. I know that I am worthy of a lot of things. I would list them all, but I kind of don't have time for all of that. All you need to know is that I know my worth and you should know yours too.

All right, back to what I was saying about what to look forward to in 2016. Now that I have learned this much in 2015, I honestly cannot wait to see what I will learn in this upcoming year. The lessons that I have learned is what's helping me make my goals for the future. These are not goals to help "fix" whatever problem I have. These are goals that help me continue to be me. This is me trying. So here we go: 

Try to Communicate More

As of yesterday (no need to start on January 1st, when I can act now), I have started to communicate with others more. I started telling people about how I was feeling, how they make me feel, just all the feels. In 2015, I found it really hard to tell people how I was feeling. I was scared of how they were going to react to my feelings. But I don't have to justify to them my feelings, especially if I'm honest about it. Honesty is really important to me and I want others to be honest with me, so I gotta be honest with myself. I need to speak up to that of which is important to me and communicate with others on what I need. Relationships are a two-way street and communication is the accelerator. If one person ain't talking then you are stuck in traffic; if both of y'all are talking then it is clear roads. And when I think about it, I'm doing pretty good. I mean I've written on here quite a bit, so there is that. 

Try to Love Myself More

If you were to ask any of my friends, I ride in first class on the What If Train, heading straight over to Negativetopia. I would constantly think bad of myself and what others think of me. I would think that I wasn't good enough or worthy enough (read "I Painted My Nails Today"). But once I recognized my worth, I tried to stop going on the What If Train. I continue to try. I deserve to be happy with myself and what God has given me. I am truly blessed. Sometimes I get all wrapped up in what I think I should be doing and what I think is expected of me that I forget what I need to be doing for myself. Sometimes we need little reminders on who we are and where we have come from. Sometimes we need to remember to love ourselves first before anybody else. 

Try to Advocate More

So freshman year and the start of second, I was hitting the ground running on fighting against the patriarchy and for the cure MS. Two of my biggest passions in life. Protests and reading up on various works. Well after life slapped me in the face so hard I realized that I need to take a step back and just focus on other things. So now that I have done some recuperating and reflection on my life, I am ready to get back in it. Reading feminist theoretical texts and watching documentaries, and maybe doing some writings myself. My adviser and mentor once told me that I needed to decide whether I want to be the feminist that is in the open where all the protests are, or let my work do the protesting for me. I am leaning more to letting my work do the protesting, although I will also stand beside my peers as we try to get our voices heard. All I can do is try to advocate more towards the cure for MS and feminism. 

Try to Lose More Weight

Diabetes and heart disease and a whole bunch of other shit runs in my family, so I gotta keep the extra pounds off. But at the same time chocolate cake and Coke Products a fucking delicious. It's a process. 

Anywho, These are my goals that I have this year to come. My way of reflecting on myself and seeing ways to change. This is not a matter of fixing a problem that I have. I am perfect just the way I am. This is me making goals for me. This is me trying goals. I may not succeed at first with some of them, but I can always try again. 

Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal...

Merry Christmas Everybody!!

So I am going to keep this post short and sweet.

Happy Holidays to all my friends and the people who are reading this blog! This holiday season has been rough one. It's the first one where I'm spending time with my family without my grandparents. Although things are a tad bit somber, we have made the best of the situation. I came home to a Christmas tree and presents and Christmas decorations. With an abundance of hugs and a lot of Netflix binge watching, I felt right at home. I didn't feel like I was in the Christmas Spirit though until this morning when Santa's Coming to Town came on ABC Family. I will probably watch Home Alone later on (hence the title). The fact that there is no snow on the ground and has only been raining, probably is what killed the spirit. But this morning that changed. I believe I said to myself, "Oh Shit, that's right, it is Christmas. Like today is Christmas!" Ya that sounds about right.

Anywho, the fact that I don't feel the Christmas Spirit until today is kinda not the point. What is the point you ask? Well it's the fact there are a lot of people out there, even some of my friends, who hate the holiday season because their family won't accept them. There are tons of LGBTQIA+ youth and people who are having a hard time this holiday season because they don't feel safe or at home with their family due to their sexual orientation or gender fluidity. Which is sad to think that this is happening, but at the same time I'm not even surprised.

So this post is dedicated to all of the LGBTQIA+ peeps out there, both friends and followers of The Pearlz Of Life. I want all of you to know that you are loved by me and I accept you just the way you are. I am sending y'all positive vibes and hope this holiday season brightens up for you. And if they don't, just know that I believe in you, and I am here for you with a listening ear. Society is the real filthy animal, not you.

Keep It Classy my friends

xoxo,

Jade

I Painted My Nails Today

Damn. I really suck at this whole blogging thing. Like I should really be writing in this more and I know that it exists, it's not like I forgot about my blog, I just didn't take care of it. Not only did I not take care of my blog, but I wasn't taking care of myself. Until a month ago ago.

For all of September and the majority of this month, I have been feeling like complete shit. Every day I would wake up, get dressed, and go to class. I would be in class, looking at my classmates and feel incredibly small and not good enough. I would write my papers and realize there weren't at the level or expectations of the college or of mine (thank you perfectionism). That my friends, was the beginning of my downward spiral. Once I started feeling like I wasn't good enough academically, I was feeling like I wasn't good enough for anybody. I thought that I was being a horrible friend to all my friends and I had this HUGE sense of feeling like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. I tried talking to my friends about it and they would try to make me feel better, but it didn't work, I still felt like shit. Then, I really knew I hit rock bottom when I started not feeling good enough for myself. I just felt like I was all alone. I finally understood what that girl from Mean Girls felt like. My "I just have a lot of feelings" was constant and had me on the verge of tears.

Everyday was a struggle to not think I wasn't good enough.

Then during my Block Break at Colorado College, I did something I hadn't done in a long ass time. I painted my nails. Red to be exact. Then a dark denim blue.

After I painted my nails, I started writing in my journal, practically everyday. Pouring out my soul onto the pages. I mean pages on pages on pages of just straight up feelings.

I finally completed my break by listening to music that I listened to when I was in middle school or when I was in the car with my mom. I listened to Alicia Keys, Paramore, Christina Aguilera, Janelle Monae, and India.Arie. Now India.Arie is a queen and woman who has touch my soul more times than I. If you have not listened to her work, I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT YOU DO RIGHT NOW. Oh but you want to keep reading? No worries her video is attached to this post. Her song (and my favorite song) "Video" reminded me that I do not need to be a perfect cutout of what is expected of me in society. God made me just the way he wanted me to be made. I am perfect in my own way and I am good enough for myself.

I don't have to be good enough for NOBODY ELSE BUT MYSELF.

I believe that we need to learn that little tidbit in order to take care of ourselves. We need to be able to do things that we enjoy and makes feel relax. Painting nails, writing in your journal, and listening to music is only have of it. The real struggle is remembering your worth.

This shit is not easy. There are good days and bad days. I know that. But it is good to remember the little things.

I know that I am not perfect and that I have my flaws. I am not a size 2, and I don't always look on point. My writing skills aren't top notch either.

BUT, I do have a great personality with communication skills and thinking creative. Most importantly I am healthy and alive, which I am forever grateful for.

My journey for self love is bumpy, but it is not permanent. All I can do is try to do better. Like trying to post to this more often.